Different Kinds of Loneliness

Are there different kinds of loneliness? I think there are, I don't feel lonely at all in the aspect of having friends and family. But I do feel lonely with having someone who shares the same morals, thoughts and beliefs as me. Like I do not know anyone who's vegan, lgbtq+ or pagan... Sometimes I just feel so misplaced with the people I am with, even though I love them more than life, I really do, but I just feel misplaced. I wish I could sit and discuss Hecate, whilst eating a vegan sandwich and yeah.. Haha, no but really... I just I dunno how to explain it though. I'm not lonely, I don't feel lonely in that sense. But maybe someone will understand what I mean.

I posted a picture yesterday on IG that stated ''Just because I'm on a different path, doesn't mean I'm lost'' and it's so accurate. It is so darn accurate. I'm not lost because I have stopped following the stream. I'm so much more happy, and that's like the biggest fact of 2017.

I am and will continue for the rest of my life to just follow my path. One day my path will cross another ones path and we will create a path together. But I have so much spiritual healing to do and 2017 will be that year and it has begun. Yesterday I booked my flight to Italy once again, I'm going in a few weeks and I'm so happy about it. I will be going by myself, but it's something I just have to do. I need to make Italy a good memory. Me and my camera are going on an adventure and I know it will strengthen me so much. I don't know if I'm going to do video art or regular photography this time. But it will be well nice.

Well, time for lunch and then cleaning time. I'm home alone (flat mate is gone for a week!!!) so I want to make it cosy.

Peace out, love life and follow your path <3

A Little Bit Happy

Sitting by the table, drinking hot lemon water and listening to music. I'm just enjoying my evening after a great day at work with wonderful people. I really love my new job and the people who works there. I've never felt such dynamic with people at work before. We just are. We are us and everyone accepts everyone and we have a laugh together. I love it, and I'm so happy I got the new job. New chapter for me.

Calvin Harris - My Way has been played a lot these couple of days and I get so happy each time I hear it. Not only do I feel that the song is relatable as fuck (my latest ex, haha). I really feel that she was the one in my way to be me, I couldn't... Man I loved the woman but, as time passes I just know I did the very best choice for me as a person and for my future to break up with her, even if it killed me in the beginning and I thought that I'd die a bit. Universe sent this song for me to hear the other day.

Talking about universe, I don't know if I've been particularly open with my beliefs and such... I am pagan, and I do believe pretty much in mother nature, the moon and the sun. And since I embraced it more, these passed months (I've been a believer for the passed 15 years, but haven't celebrated 'my' holidays and openly practising until I was about 24), I have not only been happier, calmer and more content. I decided to go vegan again after almost 10 years, and that has been the absolute best decision I've made for my body ever. I have so much energy, I'm so happy. My eating disorder is not gone, but it's controllable and I can eat. I am eating, I am eating and losing weight. And the sun is back, She has awoken again and the light is  back to the northern parts of this earth. Soon it's time to plant seeds and such for the summer to be harvested in the beginning of autumn, I am beyond excited!

In a few weeks I'm having like 7 friends over for dinner, vegan dinner and everyone is so excited to be trying some new food. I'm lucky to have such friends that just accepts that I am now eating only vegan food. I'm thinking about veganising some of my favourite Chilean foods. Like vegan empanadas! That will be well good!

 Well this was one long entry, I think I'll be ending here and continue to study and preparing for my photoshoot that will be happening over the coming weekends, I'm so so so excited for that.

Peace out, love each other and embrace life!

Life's Great, But Today is A Bad Day

I've been ''reborn vegan again'' for over a week now and I must say that I am so happy with my choice! I have more energy, I've lost some kg's and I'm just feeling better with myself. I've been struggling with an eating disorder for 15 years now and I've been super good with hiding it and hiding my anxiety with eating food. I've struggled with binge eating, starving myself and sometimes I've made myself throw up. I haven't had any, at all, anxiety over eating for over a week. Probably because I know that what I'm putting in my body is not only healthy for me but also it's healthy for the earth. I haven't felt much craving for sugar or anything like that, I had a treat yesterday and usually when I do that the cravings stay for 2-3 days sometimes I get off track for an entire week, but not now. And that feels absolutely amazing. I know it hasn't been a really long time, but I am defiantly feeling the differences.

Well, it is soon to be 11pm and I really should sleep since I'm going to be up in a few hours for some work. I have been working every day for a week now, and it will continue to be every day for this month. How I'll manage, I have no idea but I guess I will have to. It's only temporarily so I guess that's what's keeping me going.

Even though I feel great, today has been a bit of a down day for me psychologically. I don't know why, maybe because I'm tired and absolutely knackered. I get these days where I like, just look at my dog and starts crying because I get full of this horror of one day losing him. Like if I have a bad day, it's that horror the emerges first.

Well, now I'm going to cuddle up with the dog and the kitten of mine and just soak in the love my furballs have. Tomorrow is a new day, with new vegan food, more dog kisses and more kitten cuddles.

- Good night, peace out   

Health Choices and Vegan

It's late and I really should sleep but I'm researching and studying, tomorrow is my first day of work this week. I was hit by a nasty bug and has been coughing like an old man for days now. But fever is down and I*m feeling energized so I might as well work. So I told my boss that I have been offered another job and that I had said yes and going to quit within 2 weeks. I was scared shitless to tell her but it turned out really good and I feel happy and content.

Hmm... Other changes ? Not really, I've decided to go vegan again. I started to be fully vegan today and I really feel as though this is the right choice for me, my health and well being. I don't know how I*m going to solve it with my new work but I think it will work out fine, I guess I'll have to bring my own like soy bites and substitute it for the meet and skip the cream and such as.

Well, now it's time to sleep! I have to, going to be up in 6 hours. Goodnight and peace out, love each other

Queer, Pan or Bisexual Homoromantic?

Tomorrow uni starts again. I've been accepted to a course I've wanted to read for ages but haven't had the points to do so. But now I do!!! It's Disability and Rehabilitation Science, and I'm stoked. It will open so many doors for me, I'm still on the program I've been on since spring but I really wanted to read this course and it's what I want to work with so I felt that it was the perfect time to do so. It's at another uni but a great one, in one of the country's biggest cities. I couldn't believe it when I was accepted, but that's what hard work and good grades get you!

At the moment, I am listening to Beatrice Eli, drinking some tea and thinking and rethinking a decision I have to make tomorrow that will either make it break or succeed to the best possible. Tomorrow afternoon I will know, I will have to, haha. I know what my heart wants but the question is if I SHOULD do it. We will see. Need a good talk with my mum and with my best friends before I make the decision again I think. I spoke to them all yesterday for a good hour each but you know how it is... You think you've made the choice but then you sit down and start to think about again and you are more confused then before.

Well, soon time to take a walk with the dog before I need to prepare for work tomorrow. I like Mondays nowadays. It's nice. But it's swimming on Mondays at work and I can't put on make up, haha. I have been able to get my eyebrows on fleek for weeks now and the days I don't wear make up I feel so naked, haha. I've found a new side of me that I had no idea I had, but it's funny. I like whom I've turned into and it really feels as though I've found myself. This past 1,5 year has given me a lot of lemons but I'm so thankful for every little drop of that sour lemon juice, I'm seeing things from different perspectives and all and I'm just finding myself. I've broken with people that couldn't help me grow into the person I wanted and needed to be, I've cried rivers and I've been angry with myself so many times this past year but it's been worth it. In a couple of weeks me and a friend are going somewhere I've wanted to go for a very long time, and she volunteered to come with me. We haven't known each other for a very long time, like 1 month or so, but she's well neat and nice.

Thanks to this time I can be more open with whom I am as well, I don't identify as a lesbian anymore, I'm ... a human. If they really want to put a label on me I would say I'm queer, or maybe pan. Because... I don't know. Special people will catch your heart no matter what. Sexuality still confuses me as fuck, because I only fall in love with women, but I would hook up with a man, you know? One said that it's called bisexual homoromatic. Maybe so. But even if it confuses me I'm still content, because I don't feel the need to label myself. I will take each day as it comes and when I meet the right person for me I'm sure it will all fall in place. It usually do, doesn't it? Oh well, one day I might label myself again or maybe I won't. Only the universe knows.

The World is Ending

A new terror attack, Syria, Aleppo... I don't know what's happening with the world. It's scary. The terror attack in Berlin is scaring the crap out of me, my brother is living there and we still haven't gotten in contact with him. I'm dying of worry. The thought of losing two brothers in less than two months is killing me a bit. I can just pray that he will soon log onto Facebook or call.
But what is seriously happening ? Has the third world war already started? What is the world going to do with all these broken people coming from Syria, Somalia ... From everywhere? How are we all going to cope. How are we going to repair this world. When are we going to learn that love is greater than bombings, money and power, when? How long are we safe up here, maybe that has already passed already. Maybe we aren't safe already. Ugh, I hate this so much. It's scaring me, my grandfather a spanish Jew who fled in the second world war, my dad a political refugee who fled his country in the 80's. I mean... Not again, no more. It is enough with war now, it's enough with terror and extreme religious groups, how can people justify what's happening?!

So many questions and I doubt I'll ever get an answer. Damn it. Fucking wars.

When The Sorrow Takes Over

An unexpected message that brought tears and more tears. The sorrow... Oh, Lord, the sorrow. Imagine feeling that nothing else matters, life doesn't matters. I think we've all, or most of us, have felt that '' What good are we?'' But, imagine when you really think that the world would be better off without you, or that you just can't bare the pain anymore. Oh, that message... What if everything was different. What if I would have been able to be there, hold his hand, hug him and tell him that big sister is here. Big sister will never leave you. Big sister loves you. If he only knew how much I love him. How amazingly happy I was when he was born, when I called and my abuela answered and told me that he was born. I was so happy, ten years old and yet another time a big sister, to him.

I know his sorrow, we share a lot of common things. One of those things are the reason we are no longer together. I wish everything was different, but of course it's not. And it can't be changed. I've accepted that. But what if, what if I had been there... Maybe, maybe we could have shared it. I could have protected him. But I couldn't. His sorrow is his, no one else's and that's so sad.

It's so sad. If I only could have been there for him. I feel so broken for him.



I have to live my life, I can't let sorrow slow me down or get me to stray paths. I need to live my life, I need to win over this. We were 7, we were a good team. So I'm gonna do this for him.  I'm done with games, sorrow and hate. I need to live. I need to take control over my life and my choices, it's my life and no one else's.  For him, I'm going to live my life.



Please find peace.

I Hate That Day, 43 Year Ago

Imagine that if certain things wouldn't have happed we would not be here... That's scary! I mean, for example... 43 years ago a mans' life was forever changed. On the other side of the earth a military coup happened. The man's life, his wife and children's lives would be forever changed. He, captured and tortured, they without a father and a husband. Not knowing if they would ever see each other again. He was captured for what he thought was best, every persons right to live as they wanted. Simple as that. It was the 11th of September 1973. 43 years ago, 16 years before I was born, a man's life and his family changed forever. If it weren't for that day, I wouldn't have been alive today... Not as me at least. I wouldn't be me, the girl with the eccentric mind, I wouldn't have been me... Simple as that. That day destroyed lives. It destroyed so many family's, years to come, generations to come. It ruined minds, it ruined the man's mind. It changed him, his actions. He came to a new country, scary indeed. A new language, a new culture, new seasons. He must have been scared, terrified. But he had to come, to save his life, his children's lives and his wife's. Simple as that, unwillingly, but it was a must.

Years went, but his mind became more and more infected with hatred, sickness and delusional behaviour. That day destroyed everything. They met, love, me... I came. I came to this world. Born into a life that was from the start a fight, a struggle. But it was meant to be, I'm sure he loved me - I am sure. But his mind, sick and twisted from that day. I hate that day. She ran from him, just like he had run from that day. That day had destroyed her too, 28 years later, that day destroyed a child.

She spent years picking herself up, with glue and duck tape she recreated herself. Sometimes pieces fell out and made it worse, sometimes everything seemed to fit perfectly. Ups and downs, like what that they call ''the normal life'', just a bit more dramatic. But she did it, she found the pieces and then some, she recreated a woman who could fend for herself, who would forgive, move on and grieve in the just perfect amount. The life she chose for herself is what she always had dreamt of when everything was black. Grieving was the best thing she could have done, after that... Accepting. The memories, they'll always be there.. Always. But they don't take over, they do not destroy her anymore.

She is alive. She's living her life. That day, that day did not destroy her after all.

Brisk and Crisp, Just as I Like It

Here I am, newly awakened and the dog is snoring loudly next to me. I feel it, autumn is nearly here, if not already here. The brisk air that just seems to clash with the still very hot sun, the leaves are turning yellow and orange and the mornings are cold and dark. Even though the seasons are changing it feels like summer is clutching itself to the earth, just a bit more, it hasn't finished just yet.

I love the autumn, I truly do! The brisk and crisp air makes me good, all the colours and the smell, oh the smell, of the autumn rain. It calms me, especially the November rains. I love how the asphalt turns pitch black, the leaves seems to get glued to the ground and everything just turns beautiful. I thrive during autumn, the wonderful forest walks, everything! I don't think there are enough words in this universe to describe how good I feel in the autumn, how beautiful I think it is and how just... I don't even know. I love the nature all year around, I mean, who doesn't love to walk on the frozen water puddles and hear them crack under the feet in early winter? I do! Okay, I might need to calm myself down here so I don't go all crazy about everything I love about every season.

Okay, time to put on a bit of extra warm clothes and wake up the dog and take a walk in the woods.

Today I am happy and today I am making a good day.