The World is Ending

A new terror attack, Syria, Aleppo... I don't know what's happening with the world. It's scary. The terror attack in Berlin is scaring the crap out of me, my brother is living there and we still haven't gotten in contact with him. I'm dying of worry. The thought of losing two brothers in less than two months is killing me a bit. I can just pray that he will soon log onto Facebook or call.
But what is seriously happening ? Has the third world war already started? What is the world going to do with all these broken people coming from Syria, Somalia ... From everywhere? How are we all going to cope. How are we going to repair this world. When are we going to learn that love is greater than bombings, money and power, when? How long are we safe up here, maybe that has already passed already. Maybe we aren't safe already. Ugh, I hate this so much. It's scaring me, my grandfather a spanish Jew who fled in the second world war, my dad a political refugee who fled his country in the 80's. I mean... Not again, no more. It is enough with war now, it's enough with terror and extreme religious groups, how can people justify what's happening?!

So many questions and I doubt I'll ever get an answer. Damn it. Fucking wars.

It's crazy.

Isn't it weird that here I am, in my safe little place (my apartment), listening to Adele and singing with the music while I really don't have anything to worry about. But just a few hours with flight away there are people, like you and me, fighting for their lives in Syria. They don't know if they will survive this day, the next hour. And here we are, having roof over our heads, food and a pretty good life. We worry about the next fashion, the new iPhone etc. We are SAFE! Imagine, we are so safe here. If we lose our jobs, social services will most likely help us and we don't have to worry about being bombed today or not. Appreciate what you've got...

Sexuality

Sexuality... that's a word I think we all overthink. Are you straight, gay, pan, bi, trans etc etc... But does it matter? I know for some it does really matter and it's important to define their self-being. BUT DOES IT REALLY MATTER? For me, and this is for me only I am not speaking about anyone else's thoughts here, for me it doesn't matter any longer. I have learnt through the years that I am just human. I fall, and I fall hard for someone. I thought it was so important to define who I was and who I am that I put a label on myself without, maybe, being completely honest to myself.

I kind of felt that I had to. Because, isn't that how society works? ''- What are you'' ''- who are you?'' and so on. This past year I have grown ALOT. Lite a lot a lot. And I have realised that I am only human. With human needs and humans feelings and thoughts. And that's how I'm going to define myself for the rest of my life, with whoever I get together with. And it's the most releasing feeling every to just get that out of my system. It feels great!

Well, that was all I needed to get out. So now I'm going to go to bed, smile a bit and sleep through the night with peace.

Peace out

Snow, Realisations and Clubbing

The snow that covered our roofs over night is slowly being washed away by the rain. I have just come back in again after a wet and cold walk with the dog. Tomorrow I'm starting one of my new jobs!!! I'm so excited and nervous. But I know whom they are and I have actually worked there before, three years ago... And known them for four years, but I'm nervous to meet them all again and to start with something completely different than before. That is one of the places I'll be working at from now on. It will be so nice to be mixing it up a bit and work with different people and see new things, and most of all... Learn.

So, I'm happy with what life is offering me at the moment. I haven't been the happiest or the healthiest person on this earth the last couple of months. I haven't really realised it myself until now. Or until last night where I just burst out in tears to a not so sad movie, haha. I realised that this past year has given me a lot of lemons but also a lot of lemonad and sometimes a mix of them both in the same situation. As I wrote yesterday, breaking up was the best and worst... Maybe worst is wrong word, it was the hardest. Yes, the best and the hardest thing I've had to do in a long long time. And it's been hard. It was hard to come to the realisation that nothing was going to change, it would go on and on like it was and I'd be walking around feeling so uncomplete and sad. That was the hardest and saddest by the whole thing. But the best thing is, and even my friends say it, is that I have grown as a person so much. Even my boss said it, haha.

Tomorrow we're actually going out clubbing. Well first dinner at a fancy restaurant and then out clubbing. Me and four other friends. Might be meeting up with my closest friend at the club. But I haven't decided yet. It will be fun though, especially hanging out with a one of them. We've come pretty close and we have tons of fun together and I'm happy to get to know her better.

Well well, time to do something productive... Maybe like sleep, haha. No, but clean the bedroom maybe. I dunno.

Peace out!

The best and Worst

Breaking up with my ex was one of the best (and worst) things I've ever done. I really thought we'd be together for a very long time and get married and have a family etc etc... But, breaking up gave me a new sense of... I don't know. It gave me a boost in confident and has made me make a lot of changes in life and work life. I know I loved her, more than words can describe and I didn't break up with her with lack of love or feelings for her. But sometimes it just doesn't work and getting to the point of realisation was big for me.

Both my boss and colleagues has seen a change in me after it, they say I've become brave, more open and tough, haha. And I feel it too, I can say no now, I can say my mind right away without holding it in for too long and so on. Í am think for how much I grew in our relationship, and how much she made me realise what I can be. So now, that I start a new chapter in my life I am thankful for what has been and I am more than ready to start everything fresh and new.


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Since my surgery(ies) is/are coming up I'm trying to figure out what sports I will be able to do after... These surgeries are making me unable to run since they are fixating two toes so they will be completely unable to move. It saddens me a bit, but I will still be able to take my super long walks. But my dream was to start with running track next year. But also, it's better to be able to walk without pain and wounds than being able to run. I am thinking of swimming, I've done that before... Or something else, but I don't know what that something else would be. I will look and figure something out. First of all I have to manage 12 weeks of recovery, haha,

So Much Is Changing

There's a weird sense of happiness bubbling within me. A happiness I can't explain in words, maybe not in anyway. A happiness that's mixed with being scared, extremely scared and excited. In a few months my life will be completely different again. Life will never be the same again... Changes will be made and life's going to be hard, spectacular and completely wonderful. I know that. It's scary ! But, in a very good way.

Here I am... I should be asleep, but I got stuck with youtube and good documentaries. I'm suppose to be up in just a few hours, but my mind is swirling around and I'm thinking about the future. I want the time to rush but in the same time I need it to slow down so that I can prepare myself. Can't have both, can I?

My furry friend is snoring like a man, my flat mate is snoring like an even older man ( I can hear it through the walls) and I'm thinking about the course me and my work buddy are going to next week. It's a really interesting course and I think I'll learn a whole lot when it's over, it's two more times before we have passed it. The last time I left feeling so inspired to do an even better job with my patient so I hope the next two times will be as good. The women who holds the course is so much fun to be listening to. She involves the whole of her body and different tones of her voice and all that. It's very interesting and fun.

I'm craving mango, so bad... And jack fruit. I think I'll pass by the Asian store tomorrow to get some canned jack fruit, haha. And fresh mangoes from the store. I need it, I wish I could order some now, haha. Oh, I remember eating my first mango in Uganda... Soon 6 years ago ( OMG!!!! ). I have never been able to find such tasty mangoes here in Sweden since then. I miss them. But the mangoes here will do now that I have crazy cravings haha.

This is such a random post... But that doesn't matter, does it. I just feel like writing tonight. But I think I'll give sleeping another try so that I can be somewhat human tomorrow.

Goodnight people. Take care of each other and remember to love.

What a Great Week it Has Been

What a unexpected great week it has been! As I wrote earlier this week usually is pretty hard on everyone in the family. But I decided to have a great time and a great birthday and I did. The day started with me and Ruben taking the bus to the nearby town to meet up with M. She picked me up after she left work and I thought we were going to the mall to have a cup of coffee and just hang there but instead she drove me home to her place where she had prepared something small. It was so sweet of her! I mean she didn't have to! But we had some tea, I snuggled with her extremely big cat and we talked about everything between the earth and the sky. I really had a good start to my birthday. After that she drove me home to my mums place and then we went to eat lunch at the mall. It was just a wonderful start to that day, that I had dreaded for a few weeks. After a while we said goodbye and I met up with my mum and we went on a shopping spree and just enjoyed ourselves.

Today my best friend came over and we took a 2h walk in the woods with Ruben the dog, it has been a beautiful day today. Now the weekend is approaching and I will just take it easy and enjoy myself. I will walk as much as possible these coming two weeks because I have been called ( after nearly a year ) to do my foot operation. I will do one toe at the time, but the recovery time is over 1 month of time so it will be hard. But worth it because I will be able to walk better and longer without pain and sores. I'm super nervous and scared, but also happy that I can get it done.

Now! I will light some candles, have some mull wine and watch Game of Thrones... I find that pretty fab.

And Happy belated Samhain again :)

Blessed Samhain !

I work tomorrow, then I have take out some vacation days and I'm almost completely free for 9 (!!!) days. It's my birthday week, it will snow and I will be out a lot. I'm going to embrace the nature. Tomorrow Samhain celebration is planned for the evening. I've started tonight with making pumpkin pie and muffins. Tomorrow after work I think I'll take Ruben up to the forest to just spend some time with the nature and all its magic. Samhain and Yule are my favourite holidays to say the least! I love love love love it. Samhain is like a new year for us pagans and Yule... Well Yule is Yule, when we say bye to the Goddess and welcome the God, where everything has to die to be able to wake up in the spring. Eeeeeh I love it. It bring me joy.

This week holds a lot of memories for me and my family and it is often a very hard week for us. With a lot of tears and anxiety. But I'm not going to let that hold me down this year. Even if I'll feel sad at times and just feel down I'm not going to let it stop me getting out, meeting with friends and just be.

Well, I'm going to have some tea now and prepare for the last day at work for a little while tomorrow.

Take care of yourself. Peace Out

Roller-Coster

I do thank the universe that I have gotten the ability to express my feelings in both spoken words and written. It is an relief to be able to express when I'm happy and when I'm upset and sad. These last couple of days have been rough... Extremely rough, and I have gone from feeling empty as a black hole to crying my eyes out. I've gone from feeling extremely guilty (for absolutely no reason) to being angry at the person who was suppose to be all of our siblings rock and safety. A lot of things have been stirred up this week, but I also noticing that I'm so much stronger and a lot more mature how to handle things.

Yesterday was a roller-coaster but I am so happy that I have a best friend like my best friend. We had planned since a couple of weeks back that we were to walk 60,000 steps in one day. When I first received the news a couple of days ago I really didn't think I'd be able to do it, but I did... And I am so happy I did. I'm happy that I got out, did my best and achieved it, I did it! We did it, almost 40km walk, it took us 11 hours to finish. Our feet and legs were like over cooked pasta. But we did it. We talked about everything, I listened to her and she listened to me. We didn't talk that much about what had happened, just a little, and I think it was the perfect way. It was a good, exhausting day and I didn't have time to think too much. Today has been a calm day, but okay. Done some rearranging, writing and resting my legs.

Now I'm going to sit next to my little furry friend, watch a movie and then sleep.

Don't forget to live your lives.

When The Sorrow Takes Over

An unexpected message that brought tears and more tears. The sorrow... Oh, Lord, the sorrow. Imagine feeling that nothing else matters, life doesn't matters. I think we've all, or most of us, have felt that '' What good are we?'' But, imagine when you really think that the world would be better off without you, or that you just can't bare the pain anymore. Oh, that message... What if everything was different. What if I would have been able to be there, hold his hand, hug him and tell him that big sister is here. Big sister will never leave you. Big sister loves you. If he only knew how much I love him. How amazingly happy I was when he was born, when I called and my abuela answered and told me that he was born. I was so happy, ten years old and yet another time a big sister, to him.

I know his sorrow, we share a lot of common things. One of those things are the reason we are no longer together. I wish everything was different, but of course it's not. And it can't be changed. I've accepted that. But what if, what if I had been there... Maybe, maybe we could have shared it. I could have protected him. But I couldn't. His sorrow is his, no one else's and that's so sad.

It's so sad. If I only could have been there for him. I feel so broken for him.



I have to live my life, I can't let sorrow slow me down or get me to stray paths. I need to live my life, I need to win over this. We were 7, we were a good team. So I'm gonna do this for him.  I'm done with games, sorrow and hate. I need to live. I need to take control over my life and my choices, it's my life and no one else's.  For him, I'm going to live my life.



Please find peace.

Maybe

I wonder when they'd notice... a day, two? Maybe never.

I Hate That Day, 43 Year Ago

Imagine that if certain things wouldn't have happed we would not be here... That's scary! I mean, for example... 43 years ago a mans' life was forever changed. On the other side of the earth a military coup happened. The man's life, his wife and children's lives would be forever changed. He, captured and tortured, they without a father and a husband. Not knowing if they would ever see each other again. He was captured for what he thought was best, every persons right to live as they wanted. Simple as that. It was the 11th of September 1973. 43 years ago, 16 years before I was born, a man's life and his family changed forever. If it weren't for that day, I wouldn't have been alive today... Not as me at least. I wouldn't be me, the girl with the eccentric mind, I wouldn't have been me... Simple as that. That day destroyed lives. It destroyed so many family's, years to come, generations to come. It ruined minds, it ruined the man's mind. It changed him, his actions. He came to a new country, scary indeed. A new language, a new culture, new seasons. He must have been scared, terrified. But he had to come, to save his life, his children's lives and his wife's. Simple as that, unwillingly, but it was a must.

Years went, but his mind became more and more infected with hatred, sickness and delusional behaviour. That day destroyed everything. They met, love, me... I came. I came to this world. Born into a life that was from the start a fight, a struggle. But it was meant to be, I'm sure he loved me - I am sure. But his mind, sick and twisted from that day. I hate that day. She ran from him, just like he had run from that day. That day had destroyed her too, 28 years later, that day destroyed a child.

She spent years picking herself up, with glue and duck tape she recreated herself. Sometimes pieces fell out and made it worse, sometimes everything seemed to fit perfectly. Ups and downs, like what that they call ''the normal life'', just a bit more dramatic. But she did it, she found the pieces and then some, she recreated a woman who could fend for herself, who would forgive, move on and grieve in the just perfect amount. The life she chose for herself is what she always had dreamt of when everything was black. Grieving was the best thing she could have done, after that... Accepting. The memories, they'll always be there.. Always. But they don't take over, they do not destroy her anymore.

She is alive. She's living her life. That day, that day did not destroy her after all.

Brisk and Crisp, Just as I Like It

Here I am, newly awakened and the dog is snoring loudly next to me. I feel it, autumn is nearly here, if not already here. The brisk air that just seems to clash with the still very hot sun, the leaves are turning yellow and orange and the mornings are cold and dark. Even though the seasons are changing it feels like summer is clutching itself to the earth, just a bit more, it hasn't finished just yet.

I love the autumn, I truly do! The brisk and crisp air makes me good, all the colours and the smell, oh the smell, of the autumn rain. It calms me, especially the November rains. I love how the asphalt turns pitch black, the leaves seems to get glued to the ground and everything just turns beautiful. I thrive during autumn, the wonderful forest walks, everything! I don't think there are enough words in this universe to describe how good I feel in the autumn, how beautiful I think it is and how just... I don't even know. I love the nature all year around, I mean, who doesn't love to walk on the frozen water puddles and hear them crack under the feet in early winter? I do! Okay, I might need to calm myself down here so I don't go all crazy about everything I love about every season.

Okay, time to put on a bit of extra warm clothes and wake up the dog and take a walk in the woods.

Today I am happy and today I am making a good day.

He Wasn't Born a Rapist

 As I walked by the group of young men I felt myself tense up and walk a bit faster, discretely I turned my music off so I could hear if they said something of started walking after me. Exaggerated? Maybe, but why would I, a soon to be 27 year old woman be scared of a group of young men, what have they done to me? Nothing! Nothing at all, isn't it crazy how society is? I mean, today's society is built in a way where we women are scared of walking out alone, we fear being raped, followed and sexually harassed. It shouldn't be that way, never.

Now people, probably mostly men, will say "not ALL men are like that". I know that! I know plenty of nice and kind men. But WHY, why in the whole wide world do we women, no matter age, have to be scared when we are out alone. This summer I have read about countless of sexually harassed young women at festivals and such as, where men have taken the freedom to touch and in some occasions they tried to rape the woman. I feel sick hearing that, I do wonder what their mother would say if she knew what her son just did. That mother who birthed him, raised him - he should be respecting the woman... Or? Are there so many boys growing up learning that women are objects and deserve being treated as such? I really can't wrap my bead around all this. Is it purely the up bringing that creates it? Or is it the media, peer pressure? Maybe all the above, I don't think will ever understand.

As I now sit comfortably on my sofa, sipping on my tea with the dog snoring next to me. The thoughts of knowing that right now, a boy is born into this world and he will be raised by a loving mother or at least meet with wonderful women that will impact his life. And even though these women will iimpact him, he will one day go to far with a girl or a woman and it saddens me. How can we in the society raise men that will one day grow up to respect the women in this world? Isn't it everyone's responsibility to make that both men and women, girls and boys walk safely on our streets? I do think so, because a boy doesn't born into becoming a rapist or someone who sexually abuses our young girls on festivals.

Maybe I am wrong in all this, maybe I am right. But I do know that we all play a part in how the society ends up.