Blessed Samhain !

I work tomorrow, then I have take out some vacation days and I'm almost completely free for 9 (!!!) days. It's my birthday week, it will snow and I will be out a lot. I'm going to embrace the nature. Tomorrow Samhain celebration is planned for the evening. I've started tonight with making pumpkin pie and muffins. Tomorrow after work I think I'll take Ruben up to the forest to just spend some time with the nature and all its magic. Samhain and Yule are my favourite holidays to say the least! I love love love love it. Samhain is like a new year for us pagans and Yule... Well Yule is Yule, when we say bye to the Goddess and welcome the God, where everything has to die to be able to wake up in the spring. Eeeeeh I love it. It bring me joy.

This week holds a lot of memories for me and my family and it is often a very hard week for us. With a lot of tears and anxiety. But I'm not going to let that hold me down this year. Even if I'll feel sad at times and just feel down I'm not going to let it stop me getting out, meeting with friends and just be.

Well, I'm going to have some tea now and prepare for the last day at work for a little while tomorrow.

Take care of yourself. Peace Out

Roller-Coster

I do thank the universe that I have gotten the ability to express my feelings in both spoken words and written. It is an relief to be able to express when I'm happy and when I'm upset and sad. These last couple of days have been rough... Extremely rough, and I have gone from feeling empty as a black hole to crying my eyes out. I've gone from feeling extremely guilty (for absolutely no reason) to being angry at the person who was suppose to be all of our siblings rock and safety. A lot of things have been stirred up this week, but I also noticing that I'm so much stronger and a lot more mature how to handle things.

Yesterday was a roller-coaster but I am so happy that I have a best friend like my best friend. We had planned since a couple of weeks back that we were to walk 60,000 steps in one day. When I first received the news a couple of days ago I really didn't think I'd be able to do it, but I did... And I am so happy I did. I'm happy that I got out, did my best and achieved it, I did it! We did it, almost 40km walk, it took us 11 hours to finish. Our feet and legs were like over cooked pasta. But we did it. We talked about everything, I listened to her and she listened to me. We didn't talk that much about what had happened, just a little, and I think it was the perfect way. It was a good, exhausting day and I didn't have time to think too much. Today has been a calm day, but okay. Done some rearranging, writing and resting my legs.

Now I'm going to sit next to my little furry friend, watch a movie and then sleep.

Don't forget to live your lives.

When The Sorrow Takes Over

An unexpected message that brought tears and more tears. The sorrow... Oh, Lord, the sorrow. Imagine feeling that nothing else matters, life doesn't matters. I think we've all, or most of us, have felt that '' What good are we?'' But, imagine when you really think that the world would be better off without you, or that you just can't bare the pain anymore. Oh, that message... What if everything was different. What if I would have been able to be there, hold his hand, hug him and tell him that big sister is here. Big sister will never leave you. Big sister loves you. If he only knew how much I love him. How amazingly happy I was when he was born, when I called and my abuela answered and told me that he was born. I was so happy, ten years old and yet another time a big sister, to him.

I know his sorrow, we share a lot of common things. One of those things are the reason we are no longer together. I wish everything was different, but of course it's not. And it can't be changed. I've accepted that. But what if, what if I had been there... Maybe, maybe we could have shared it. I could have protected him. But I couldn't. His sorrow is his, no one else's and that's so sad.

It's so sad. If I only could have been there for him. I feel so broken for him.



I have to live my life, I can't let sorrow slow me down or get me to stray paths. I need to live my life, I need to win over this. We were 7, we were a good team. So I'm gonna do this for him.  I'm done with games, sorrow and hate. I need to live. I need to take control over my life and my choices, it's my life and no one else's.  For him, I'm going to live my life.



Please find peace.

Maybe

I wonder when they'd notice... a day, two? Maybe never.