Perfect Little Nose

I'm about to enter my 14th week of pregnancy in a few days and I'm astonished how fast the weeks are passing. 14 weeks! In 6 weeks only I am half way through. Everything is looking perfect with the baby and it's growing. Got some really good pictures of the little miracle few days ago. Can already tell it's a cutie ;P haha. But seriously, he or she has my nose! For sure. Profile looked beautiful. I have a feeling it's a girl, but I don't know. People have said that the forehead looks like it might be a girl. Will know in 6 weeks or so. eeeek, it is starting to feel real. I have already bought the baby's first outfit and won some clothes on the internet. My mum is so darn excited and happy for me. It just feels amazing. Scary and amazing. It's so weird that you feel so much love for someone that you've never met, never felt, you just know it's in you... Growing and developing into a perfect little human being. Well, nausea is hanging in and I have 24/7 nausea, haven't thrown up yet at least and I feel more energized now than a couple of weeks ago. If I eat regularly the nausea is OK, it's there but not so bad that I have to lay down.

Oh, well, time for tea.  

Baby Coming in 2018

I'm the worst with updates. But I have my reasons... My life is about to change, big time - Scary and absolutely wonderful. I am pregnant, I'm in my 11th week of pregnancy now. Two days ago I saw my child. Pyret, as I call it, had the hick ups (died of cuteness), was kicking and had a strong beautiful heartbeat. Next week I'm going to my midwife for some testing and then 2 weeks after that I have a special scan to see that the baby is healthy and don't have any chromosomal diseases. 

After ten years of doctors telling me that I wont be able to get pregnant natural I am so thankful that I am pregnant. Surprised and happy. It just happened. And yes It happened with the same guy that I wrote about the last post. 

I am feeling alright, tired and some nausea but I'm okay. I'm thankful for all that symptoms I have, every single one of them. 

We Did It, We Had Sex

So there's this guy that I've known for like 7 months Now, three days ago we did it. We had sex. Today he came over with my room mate, after about 10 minutes he knocked on my door and we did it again. I like him, he likes me but we haven't really discussed anything.

I haven't been with a guy for a long time, I've been with women though... I thought I'd be more scared and nervous but I wasn't. It was the best sex I've had in a very very long time, years maybe even.

He's a few years younger than me, now, it probably isn't I problem in numbers. And I shouldn't over think it either since we aren't even together as a couple. But, yeah, I like him. He's gorgeous and tall and handsome.

For me, a long week of holiday awaits far away from home. But we are to see each other when I come home 🤗

Different Kinds of Loneliness

Are there different kinds of loneliness? I think there are, I don't feel lonely at all in the aspect of having friends and family. But I do feel lonely with having someone who shares the same morals, thoughts and beliefs as me. Like I do not know anyone who's vegan, lgbtq+ or pagan... Sometimes I just feel so misplaced with the people I am with, even though I love them more than life, I really do, but I just feel misplaced. I wish I could sit and discuss Hecate, whilst eating a vegan sandwich and yeah.. Haha, no but really... I just I dunno how to explain it though. I'm not lonely, I don't feel lonely in that sense. But maybe someone will understand what I mean.

I posted a picture yesterday on IG that stated ''Just because I'm on a different path, doesn't mean I'm lost'' and it's so accurate. It is so darn accurate. I'm not lost because I have stopped following the stream. I'm so much more happy, and that's like the biggest fact of 2017.

I am and will continue for the rest of my life to just follow my path. One day my path will cross another ones path and we will create a path together. But I have so much spiritual healing to do and 2017 will be that year and it has begun. Yesterday I booked my flight to Italy once again, I'm going in a few weeks and I'm so happy about it. I will be going by myself, but it's something I just have to do. I need to make Italy a good memory. Me and my camera are going on an adventure and I know it will strengthen me so much. I don't know if I'm going to do video art or regular photography this time. But it will be well nice.

Well, time for lunch and then cleaning time. I'm home alone (flat mate is gone for a week!!!) so I want to make it cosy.

Peace out, love life and follow your path <3

A Little Bit Happy

Sitting by the table, drinking hot lemon water and listening to music. I'm just enjoying my evening after a great day at work with wonderful people. I really love my new job and the people who works there. I've never felt such dynamic with people at work before. We just are. We are us and everyone accepts everyone and we have a laugh together. I love it, and I'm so happy I got the new job. New chapter for me.

Calvin Harris - My Way has been played a lot these couple of days and I get so happy each time I hear it. Not only do I feel that the song is relatable as fuck (my latest ex, haha). I really feel that she was the one in my way to be me, I couldn't... Man I loved the woman but, as time passes I just know I did the very best choice for me as a person and for my future to break up with her, even if it killed me in the beginning and I thought that I'd die a bit. Universe sent this song for me to hear the other day.

Talking about universe, I don't know if I've been particularly open with my beliefs and such... I am pagan, and I do believe pretty much in mother nature, the moon and the sun. And since I embraced it more, these passed months (I've been a believer for the passed 15 years, but haven't celebrated 'my' holidays and openly practising until I was about 24), I have not only been happier, calmer and more content. I decided to go vegan again after almost 10 years, and that has been the absolute best decision I've made for my body ever. I have so much energy, I'm so happy. My eating disorder is not gone, but it's controllable and I can eat. I am eating, I am eating and losing weight. And the sun is back, She has awoken again and the light is  back to the northern parts of this earth. Soon it's time to plant seeds and such for the summer to be harvested in the beginning of autumn, I am beyond excited!

In a few weeks I'm having like 7 friends over for dinner, vegan dinner and everyone is so excited to be trying some new food. I'm lucky to have such friends that just accepts that I am now eating only vegan food. I'm thinking about veganising some of my favourite Chilean foods. Like vegan empanadas! That will be well good!

 Well this was one long entry, I think I'll be ending here and continue to study and preparing for my photoshoot that will be happening over the coming weekends, I'm so so so excited for that.

Peace out, love each other and embrace life!

Life's Great, But Today is A Bad Day

I've been ''reborn vegan again'' for over a week now and I must say that I am so happy with my choice! I have more energy, I've lost some kg's and I'm just feeling better with myself. I've been struggling with an eating disorder for 15 years now and I've been super good with hiding it and hiding my anxiety with eating food. I've struggled with binge eating, starving myself and sometimes I've made myself throw up. I haven't had any, at all, anxiety over eating for over a week. Probably because I know that what I'm putting in my body is not only healthy for me but also it's healthy for the earth. I haven't felt much craving for sugar or anything like that, I had a treat yesterday and usually when I do that the cravings stay for 2-3 days sometimes I get off track for an entire week, but not now. And that feels absolutely amazing. I know it hasn't been a really long time, but I am defiantly feeling the differences.

Well, it is soon to be 11pm and I really should sleep since I'm going to be up in a few hours for some work. I have been working every day for a week now, and it will continue to be every day for this month. How I'll manage, I have no idea but I guess I will have to. It's only temporarily so I guess that's what's keeping me going.

Even though I feel great, today has been a bit of a down day for me psychologically. I don't know why, maybe because I'm tired and absolutely knackered. I get these days where I like, just look at my dog and starts crying because I get full of this horror of one day losing him. Like if I have a bad day, it's that horror the emerges first.

Well, now I'm going to cuddle up with the dog and the kitten of mine and just soak in the love my furballs have. Tomorrow is a new day, with new vegan food, more dog kisses and more kitten cuddles.

- Good night, peace out   

Health Choices and Vegan

It's late and I really should sleep but I'm researching and studying, tomorrow is my first day of work this week. I was hit by a nasty bug and has been coughing like an old man for days now. But fever is down and I*m feeling energized so I might as well work. So I told my boss that I have been offered another job and that I had said yes and going to quit within 2 weeks. I was scared shitless to tell her but it turned out really good and I feel happy and content.

Hmm... Other changes ? Not really, I've decided to go vegan again. I started to be fully vegan today and I really feel as though this is the right choice for me, my health and well being. I don't know how I*m going to solve it with my new work but I think it will work out fine, I guess I'll have to bring my own like soy bites and substitute it for the meet and skip the cream and such as.

Well, now it's time to sleep! I have to, going to be up in 6 hours. Goodnight and peace out, love each other

Queer, Pan or Bisexual Homoromantic?

Tomorrow uni starts again. I've been accepted to a course I've wanted to read for ages but haven't had the points to do so. But now I do!!! It's Disability and Rehabilitation Science, and I'm stoked. It will open so many doors for me, I'm still on the program I've been on since spring but I really wanted to read this course and it's what I want to work with so I felt that it was the perfect time to do so. It's at another uni but a great one, in one of the country's biggest cities. I couldn't believe it when I was accepted, but that's what hard work and good grades get you!

At the moment, I am listening to Beatrice Eli, drinking some tea and thinking and rethinking a decision I have to make tomorrow that will either make it break or succeed to the best possible. Tomorrow afternoon I will know, I will have to, haha. I know what my heart wants but the question is if I SHOULD do it. We will see. Need a good talk with my mum and with my best friends before I make the decision again I think. I spoke to them all yesterday for a good hour each but you know how it is... You think you've made the choice but then you sit down and start to think about again and you are more confused then before.

Well, soon time to take a walk with the dog before I need to prepare for work tomorrow. I like Mondays nowadays. It's nice. But it's swimming on Mondays at work and I can't put on make up, haha. I have been able to get my eyebrows on fleek for weeks now and the days I don't wear make up I feel so naked, haha. I've found a new side of me that I had no idea I had, but it's funny. I like whom I've turned into and it really feels as though I've found myself. This past 1,5 year has given me a lot of lemons but I'm so thankful for every little drop of that sour lemon juice, I'm seeing things from different perspectives and all and I'm just finding myself. I've broken with people that couldn't help me grow into the person I wanted and needed to be, I've cried rivers and I've been angry with myself so many times this past year but it's been worth it. In a couple of weeks me and a friend are going somewhere I've wanted to go for a very long time, and she volunteered to come with me. We haven't known each other for a very long time, like 1 month or so, but she's well neat and nice.

Thanks to this time I can be more open with whom I am as well, I don't identify as a lesbian anymore, I'm ... a human. If they really want to put a label on me I would say I'm queer, or maybe pan. Because... I don't know. Special people will catch your heart no matter what. Sexuality still confuses me as fuck, because I only fall in love with women, but I would hook up with a man, you know? One said that it's called bisexual homoromatic. Maybe so. But even if it confuses me I'm still content, because I don't feel the need to label myself. I will take each day as it comes and when I meet the right person for me I'm sure it will all fall in place. It usually do, doesn't it? Oh well, one day I might label myself again or maybe I won't. Only the universe knows.

JibberDabber

It's January! It's a new year. Gosh, it's a new year. This year started with the worst flu I've ever had in my grown up life, haha. Seriously I haven't been this sick before and with my immun system, I've been really sick with hospital etc. Well, getting better now and starting work tomorrow again. I'm sitting here with a cup of tea, Beatrice Eli is blasting from the speakers and I'm just taking it east with my last free day in a while.

I'm really looking forward to Saturday, getting a visit then from a friend I haven't seen in a while now. We're not living far away, actually just like 20 minutes from each other but... You know, life with work and all. So it'll be fun to have her over a bit. We're probably just going to sit and drink coffee and talk about everything between earth and heaven. But that's what I really need at the moment.

Well well, I'm going to do my nails before bed and just relax a bit.

Peace out