Life's Great, But Today is A Bad Day

I've been ''reborn vegan again'' for over a week now and I must say that I am so happy with my choice! I have more energy, I've lost some kg's and I'm just feeling better with myself. I've been struggling with an eating disorder for 15 years now and I've been super good with hiding it and hiding my anxiety with eating food. I've struggled with binge eating, starving myself and sometimes I've made myself throw up. I haven't had any, at all, anxiety over eating for over a week. Probably because I know that what I'm putting in my body is not only healthy for me but also it's healthy for the earth. I haven't felt much craving for sugar or anything like that, I had a treat yesterday and usually when I do that the cravings stay for 2-3 days sometimes I get off track for an entire week, but not now. And that feels absolutely amazing. I know it hasn't been a really long time, but I am defiantly feeling the differences.

Well, it is soon to be 11pm and I really should sleep since I'm going to be up in a few hours for some work. I have been working every day for a week now, and it will continue to be every day for this month. How I'll manage, I have no idea but I guess I will have to. It's only temporarily so I guess that's what's keeping me going.

Even though I feel great, today has been a bit of a down day for me psychologically. I don't know why, maybe because I'm tired and absolutely knackered. I get these days where I like, just look at my dog and starts crying because I get full of this horror of one day losing him. Like if I have a bad day, it's that horror the emerges first.

Well, now I'm going to cuddle up with the dog and the kitten of mine and just soak in the love my furballs have. Tomorrow is a new day, with new vegan food, more dog kisses and more kitten cuddles.

- Good night, peace out   

The World is Ending

A new terror attack, Syria, Aleppo... I don't know what's happening with the world. It's scary. The terror attack in Berlin is scaring the crap out of me, my brother is living there and we still haven't gotten in contact with him. I'm dying of worry. The thought of losing two brothers in less than two months is killing me a bit. I can just pray that he will soon log onto Facebook or call.
But what is seriously happening ? Has the third world war already started? What is the world going to do with all these broken people coming from Syria, Somalia ... From everywhere? How are we all going to cope. How are we going to repair this world. When are we going to learn that love is greater than bombings, money and power, when? How long are we safe up here, maybe that has already passed already. Maybe we aren't safe already. Ugh, I hate this so much. It's scaring me, my grandfather a spanish Jew who fled in the second world war, my dad a political refugee who fled his country in the 80's. I mean... Not again, no more. It is enough with war now, it's enough with terror and extreme religious groups, how can people justify what's happening?!

So many questions and I doubt I'll ever get an answer. Damn it. Fucking wars.

When The Sorrow Takes Over

An unexpected message that brought tears and more tears. The sorrow... Oh, Lord, the sorrow. Imagine feeling that nothing else matters, life doesn't matters. I think we've all, or most of us, have felt that '' What good are we?'' But, imagine when you really think that the world would be better off without you, or that you just can't bare the pain anymore. Oh, that message... What if everything was different. What if I would have been able to be there, hold his hand, hug him and tell him that big sister is here. Big sister will never leave you. Big sister loves you. If he only knew how much I love him. How amazingly happy I was when he was born, when I called and my abuela answered and told me that he was born. I was so happy, ten years old and yet another time a big sister, to him.

I know his sorrow, we share a lot of common things. One of those things are the reason we are no longer together. I wish everything was different, but of course it's not. And it can't be changed. I've accepted that. But what if, what if I had been there... Maybe, maybe we could have shared it. I could have protected him. But I couldn't. His sorrow is his, no one else's and that's so sad.

It's so sad. If I only could have been there for him. I feel so broken for him.



I have to live my life, I can't let sorrow slow me down or get me to stray paths. I need to live my life, I need to win over this. We were 7, we were a good team. So I'm gonna do this for him.  I'm done with games, sorrow and hate. I need to live. I need to take control over my life and my choices, it's my life and no one else's.  For him, I'm going to live my life.



Please find peace.

I Hate That Day, 43 Year Ago

Imagine that if certain things wouldn't have happed we would not be here... That's scary! I mean, for example... 43 years ago a mans' life was forever changed. On the other side of the earth a military coup happened. The man's life, his wife and children's lives would be forever changed. He, captured and tortured, they without a father and a husband. Not knowing if they would ever see each other again. He was captured for what he thought was best, every persons right to live as they wanted. Simple as that. It was the 11th of September 1973. 43 years ago, 16 years before I was born, a man's life and his family changed forever. If it weren't for that day, I wouldn't have been alive today... Not as me at least. I wouldn't be me, the girl with the eccentric mind, I wouldn't have been me... Simple as that. That day destroyed lives. It destroyed so many family's, years to come, generations to come. It ruined minds, it ruined the man's mind. It changed him, his actions. He came to a new country, scary indeed. A new language, a new culture, new seasons. He must have been scared, terrified. But he had to come, to save his life, his children's lives and his wife's. Simple as that, unwillingly, but it was a must.

Years went, but his mind became more and more infected with hatred, sickness and delusional behaviour. That day destroyed everything. They met, love, me... I came. I came to this world. Born into a life that was from the start a fight, a struggle. But it was meant to be, I'm sure he loved me - I am sure. But his mind, sick and twisted from that day. I hate that day. She ran from him, just like he had run from that day. That day had destroyed her too, 28 years later, that day destroyed a child.

She spent years picking herself up, with glue and duck tape she recreated herself. Sometimes pieces fell out and made it worse, sometimes everything seemed to fit perfectly. Ups and downs, like what that they call ''the normal life'', just a bit more dramatic. But she did it, she found the pieces and then some, she recreated a woman who could fend for herself, who would forgive, move on and grieve in the just perfect amount. The life she chose for herself is what she always had dreamt of when everything was black. Grieving was the best thing she could have done, after that... Accepting. The memories, they'll always be there.. Always. But they don't take over, they do not destroy her anymore.

She is alive. She's living her life. That day, that day did not destroy her after all.