Life's Great, But Today is A Bad Day

I've been ''reborn vegan again'' for over a week now and I must say that I am so happy with my choice! I have more energy, I've lost some kg's and I'm just feeling better with myself. I've been struggling with an eating disorder for 15 years now and I've been super good with hiding it and hiding my anxiety with eating food. I've struggled with binge eating, starving myself and sometimes I've made myself throw up. I haven't had any, at all, anxiety over eating for over a week. Probably because I know that what I'm putting in my body is not only healthy for me but also it's healthy for the earth. I haven't felt much craving for sugar or anything like that, I had a treat yesterday and usually when I do that the cravings stay for 2-3 days sometimes I get off track for an entire week, but not now. And that feels absolutely amazing. I know it hasn't been a really long time, but I am defiantly feeling the differences.

Well, it is soon to be 11pm and I really should sleep since I'm going to be up in a few hours for some work. I have been working every day for a week now, and it will continue to be every day for this month. How I'll manage, I have no idea but I guess I will have to. It's only temporarily so I guess that's what's keeping me going.

Even though I feel great, today has been a bit of a down day for me psychologically. I don't know why, maybe because I'm tired and absolutely knackered. I get these days where I like, just look at my dog and starts crying because I get full of this horror of one day losing him. Like if I have a bad day, it's that horror the emerges first.

Well, now I'm going to cuddle up with the dog and the kitten of mine and just soak in the love my furballs have. Tomorrow is a new day, with new vegan food, more dog kisses and more kitten cuddles.

- Good night, peace out   

Queer, Pan or Bisexual Homoromantic?

Tomorrow uni starts again. I've been accepted to a course I've wanted to read for ages but haven't had the points to do so. But now I do!!! It's Disability and Rehabilitation Science, and I'm stoked. It will open so many doors for me, I'm still on the program I've been on since spring but I really wanted to read this course and it's what I want to work with so I felt that it was the perfect time to do so. It's at another uni but a great one, in one of the country's biggest cities. I couldn't believe it when I was accepted, but that's what hard work and good grades get you!

At the moment, I am listening to Beatrice Eli, drinking some tea and thinking and rethinking a decision I have to make tomorrow that will either make it break or succeed to the best possible. Tomorrow afternoon I will know, I will have to, haha. I know what my heart wants but the question is if I SHOULD do it. We will see. Need a good talk with my mum and with my best friends before I make the decision again I think. I spoke to them all yesterday for a good hour each but you know how it is... You think you've made the choice but then you sit down and start to think about again and you are more confused then before.

Well, soon time to take a walk with the dog before I need to prepare for work tomorrow. I like Mondays nowadays. It's nice. But it's swimming on Mondays at work and I can't put on make up, haha. I have been able to get my eyebrows on fleek for weeks now and the days I don't wear make up I feel so naked, haha. I've found a new side of me that I had no idea I had, but it's funny. I like whom I've turned into and it really feels as though I've found myself. This past 1,5 year has given me a lot of lemons but I'm so thankful for every little drop of that sour lemon juice, I'm seeing things from different perspectives and all and I'm just finding myself. I've broken with people that couldn't help me grow into the person I wanted and needed to be, I've cried rivers and I've been angry with myself so many times this past year but it's been worth it. In a couple of weeks me and a friend are going somewhere I've wanted to go for a very long time, and she volunteered to come with me. We haven't known each other for a very long time, like 1 month or so, but she's well neat and nice.

Thanks to this time I can be more open with whom I am as well, I don't identify as a lesbian anymore, I'm ... a human. If they really want to put a label on me I would say I'm queer, or maybe pan. Because... I don't know. Special people will catch your heart no matter what. Sexuality still confuses me as fuck, because I only fall in love with women, but I would hook up with a man, you know? One said that it's called bisexual homoromatic. Maybe so. But even if it confuses me I'm still content, because I don't feel the need to label myself. I will take each day as it comes and when I meet the right person for me I'm sure it will all fall in place. It usually do, doesn't it? Oh well, one day I might label myself again or maybe I won't. Only the universe knows.