A Little Bit Happy

Sitting by the table, drinking hot lemon water and listening to music. I'm just enjoying my evening after a great day at work with wonderful people. I really love my new job and the people who works there. I've never felt such dynamic with people at work before. We just are. We are us and everyone accepts everyone and we have a laugh together. I love it, and I'm so happy I got the new job. New chapter for me.

Calvin Harris - My Way has been played a lot these couple of days and I get so happy each time I hear it. Not only do I feel that the song is relatable as fuck (my latest ex, haha). I really feel that she was the one in my way to be me, I couldn't... Man I loved the woman but, as time passes I just know I did the very best choice for me as a person and for my future to break up with her, even if it killed me in the beginning and I thought that I'd die a bit. Universe sent this song for me to hear the other day.

Talking about universe, I don't know if I've been particularly open with my beliefs and such... I am pagan, and I do believe pretty much in mother nature, the moon and the sun. And since I embraced it more, these passed months (I've been a believer for the passed 15 years, but haven't celebrated 'my' holidays and openly practising until I was about 24), I have not only been happier, calmer and more content. I decided to go vegan again after almost 10 years, and that has been the absolute best decision I've made for my body ever. I have so much energy, I'm so happy. My eating disorder is not gone, but it's controllable and I can eat. I am eating, I am eating and losing weight. And the sun is back, She has awoken again and the light is  back to the northern parts of this earth. Soon it's time to plant seeds and such for the summer to be harvested in the beginning of autumn, I am beyond excited!

In a few weeks I'm having like 7 friends over for dinner, vegan dinner and everyone is so excited to be trying some new food. I'm lucky to have such friends that just accepts that I am now eating only vegan food. I'm thinking about veganising some of my favourite Chilean foods. Like vegan empanadas! That will be well good!

 Well this was one long entry, I think I'll be ending here and continue to study and preparing for my photoshoot that will be happening over the coming weekends, I'm so so so excited for that.

Peace out, love each other and embrace life!

Queer, Pan or Bisexual Homoromantic?

Tomorrow uni starts again. I've been accepted to a course I've wanted to read for ages but haven't had the points to do so. But now I do!!! It's Disability and Rehabilitation Science, and I'm stoked. It will open so many doors for me, I'm still on the program I've been on since spring but I really wanted to read this course and it's what I want to work with so I felt that it was the perfect time to do so. It's at another uni but a great one, in one of the country's biggest cities. I couldn't believe it when I was accepted, but that's what hard work and good grades get you!

At the moment, I am listening to Beatrice Eli, drinking some tea and thinking and rethinking a decision I have to make tomorrow that will either make it break or succeed to the best possible. Tomorrow afternoon I will know, I will have to, haha. I know what my heart wants but the question is if I SHOULD do it. We will see. Need a good talk with my mum and with my best friends before I make the decision again I think. I spoke to them all yesterday for a good hour each but you know how it is... You think you've made the choice but then you sit down and start to think about again and you are more confused then before.

Well, soon time to take a walk with the dog before I need to prepare for work tomorrow. I like Mondays nowadays. It's nice. But it's swimming on Mondays at work and I can't put on make up, haha. I have been able to get my eyebrows on fleek for weeks now and the days I don't wear make up I feel so naked, haha. I've found a new side of me that I had no idea I had, but it's funny. I like whom I've turned into and it really feels as though I've found myself. This past 1,5 year has given me a lot of lemons but I'm so thankful for every little drop of that sour lemon juice, I'm seeing things from different perspectives and all and I'm just finding myself. I've broken with people that couldn't help me grow into the person I wanted and needed to be, I've cried rivers and I've been angry with myself so many times this past year but it's been worth it. In a couple of weeks me and a friend are going somewhere I've wanted to go for a very long time, and she volunteered to come with me. We haven't known each other for a very long time, like 1 month or so, but she's well neat and nice.

Thanks to this time I can be more open with whom I am as well, I don't identify as a lesbian anymore, I'm ... a human. If they really want to put a label on me I would say I'm queer, or maybe pan. Because... I don't know. Special people will catch your heart no matter what. Sexuality still confuses me as fuck, because I only fall in love with women, but I would hook up with a man, you know? One said that it's called bisexual homoromatic. Maybe so. But even if it confuses me I'm still content, because I don't feel the need to label myself. I will take each day as it comes and when I meet the right person for me I'm sure it will all fall in place. It usually do, doesn't it? Oh well, one day I might label myself again or maybe I won't. Only the universe knows.

The World is Ending

A new terror attack, Syria, Aleppo... I don't know what's happening with the world. It's scary. The terror attack in Berlin is scaring the crap out of me, my brother is living there and we still haven't gotten in contact with him. I'm dying of worry. The thought of losing two brothers in less than two months is killing me a bit. I can just pray that he will soon log onto Facebook or call.
But what is seriously happening ? Has the third world war already started? What is the world going to do with all these broken people coming from Syria, Somalia ... From everywhere? How are we all going to cope. How are we going to repair this world. When are we going to learn that love is greater than bombings, money and power, when? How long are we safe up here, maybe that has already passed already. Maybe we aren't safe already. Ugh, I hate this so much. It's scaring me, my grandfather a spanish Jew who fled in the second world war, my dad a political refugee who fled his country in the 80's. I mean... Not again, no more. It is enough with war now, it's enough with terror and extreme religious groups, how can people justify what's happening?!

So many questions and I doubt I'll ever get an answer. Damn it. Fucking wars.

Sexuality

Sexuality... that's a word I think we all overthink. Are you straight, gay, pan, bi, trans etc etc... But does it matter? I know for some it does really matter and it's important to define their self-being. BUT DOES IT REALLY MATTER? For me, and this is for me only I am not speaking about anyone else's thoughts here, for me it doesn't matter any longer. I have learnt through the years that I am just human. I fall, and I fall hard for someone. I thought it was so important to define who I was and who I am that I put a label on myself without, maybe, being completely honest to myself.

I kind of felt that I had to. Because, isn't that how society works? ''- What are you'' ''- who are you?'' and so on. This past year I have grown ALOT. Lite a lot a lot. And I have realised that I am only human. With human needs and humans feelings and thoughts. And that's how I'm going to define myself for the rest of my life, with whoever I get together with. And it's the most releasing feeling every to just get that out of my system. It feels great!

Well, that was all I needed to get out. So now I'm going to go to bed, smile a bit and sleep through the night with peace.

Peace out

I Hate That Day, 43 Year Ago

Imagine that if certain things wouldn't have happed we would not be here... That's scary! I mean, for example... 43 years ago a mans' life was forever changed. On the other side of the earth a military coup happened. The man's life, his wife and children's lives would be forever changed. He, captured and tortured, they without a father and a husband. Not knowing if they would ever see each other again. He was captured for what he thought was best, every persons right to live as they wanted. Simple as that. It was the 11th of September 1973. 43 years ago, 16 years before I was born, a man's life and his family changed forever. If it weren't for that day, I wouldn't have been alive today... Not as me at least. I wouldn't be me, the girl with the eccentric mind, I wouldn't have been me... Simple as that. That day destroyed lives. It destroyed so many family's, years to come, generations to come. It ruined minds, it ruined the man's mind. It changed him, his actions. He came to a new country, scary indeed. A new language, a new culture, new seasons. He must have been scared, terrified. But he had to come, to save his life, his children's lives and his wife's. Simple as that, unwillingly, but it was a must.

Years went, but his mind became more and more infected with hatred, sickness and delusional behaviour. That day destroyed everything. They met, love, me... I came. I came to this world. Born into a life that was from the start a fight, a struggle. But it was meant to be, I'm sure he loved me - I am sure. But his mind, sick and twisted from that day. I hate that day. She ran from him, just like he had run from that day. That day had destroyed her too, 28 years later, that day destroyed a child.

She spent years picking herself up, with glue and duck tape she recreated herself. Sometimes pieces fell out and made it worse, sometimes everything seemed to fit perfectly. Ups and downs, like what that they call ''the normal life'', just a bit more dramatic. But she did it, she found the pieces and then some, she recreated a woman who could fend for herself, who would forgive, move on and grieve in the just perfect amount. The life she chose for herself is what she always had dreamt of when everything was black. Grieving was the best thing she could have done, after that... Accepting. The memories, they'll always be there.. Always. But they don't take over, they do not destroy her anymore.

She is alive. She's living her life. That day, that day did not destroy her after all.

He Wasn't Born a Rapist

 As I walked by the group of young men I felt myself tense up and walk a bit faster, discretely I turned my music off so I could hear if they said something of started walking after me. Exaggerated? Maybe, but why would I, a soon to be 27 year old woman be scared of a group of young men, what have they done to me? Nothing! Nothing at all, isn't it crazy how society is? I mean, today's society is built in a way where we women are scared of walking out alone, we fear being raped, followed and sexually harassed. It shouldn't be that way, never.

Now people, probably mostly men, will say "not ALL men are like that". I know that! I know plenty of nice and kind men. But WHY, why in the whole wide world do we women, no matter age, have to be scared when we are out alone. This summer I have read about countless of sexually harassed young women at festivals and such as, where men have taken the freedom to touch and in some occasions they tried to rape the woman. I feel sick hearing that, I do wonder what their mother would say if she knew what her son just did. That mother who birthed him, raised him - he should be respecting the woman... Or? Are there so many boys growing up learning that women are objects and deserve being treated as such? I really can't wrap my bead around all this. Is it purely the up bringing that creates it? Or is it the media, peer pressure? Maybe all the above, I don't think will ever understand.

As I now sit comfortably on my sofa, sipping on my tea with the dog snoring next to me. The thoughts of knowing that right now, a boy is born into this world and he will be raised by a loving mother or at least meet with wonderful women that will impact his life. And even though these women will iimpact him, he will one day go to far with a girl or a woman and it saddens me. How can we in the society raise men that will one day grow up to respect the women in this world? Isn't it everyone's responsibility to make that both men and women, girls and boys walk safely on our streets? I do think so, because a boy doesn't born into becoming a rapist or someone who sexually abuses our young girls on festivals.

Maybe I am wrong in all this, maybe I am right. But I do know that we all play a part in how the society ends up.