An unexpected message that brought tears and more tears. The sorrow... Oh, Lord, the sorrow. Imagine feeling that nothing else matters, life doesn't matters. I think we've all, or most of us, have felt that '' What good are we?'' But, imagine when you really think that the world would be better off without you, or that you just can't bare the pain anymore. Oh, that message... What if everything was different. What if I would have been able to be there, hold his hand, hug him and tell him that big sister is here. Big sister will never leave you. Big sister loves you. If he only knew how much I love him. How amazingly happy I was when he was born, when I called and my abuela answered and told me that he was born. I was so happy, ten years old and yet another time a big sister, to him.
I know his sorrow, we share a lot of common things. One of those things are the reason we are no longer together. I wish everything was different, but of course it's not. And it can't be changed. I've accepted that. But what if, what if I had been there... Maybe, maybe we could have shared it. I could have protected him. But I couldn't. His sorrow is his, no one else's and that's so sad.
It's so sad. If I only could have been there for him. I feel so broken for him.
I have to live my life, I can't let sorrow slow me down or get me to stray paths. I need to live my life, I need to win over this. We were 7, we were a good team. So I'm gonna do this for him. I'm done with games, sorrow and hate. I need to live. I need to take control over my life and my choices, it's my life and no one else's. For him, I'm going to live my life.
Please find peace.
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